When the boys were very little, Eric bought me some beautiful coffee mugs from a local Amish shop. Handmade, white with sponged blue borders and a single pink heart, and a pitcher to match. We used these cups every day for years. Last week, when Riley was home for spring break, I made a pot of coffee, and poured us each a cup – into the heart mugs. When I handed the cup to Riley, his face lit up. Apparently, it was the first time he’d ever used one of these special cups, and me offering it to him made him feel honored and grown up. It’s the small things, sometimes that we are not even aware of, that send big messages.

We are hosting a potluck for the running club tonight. I promised Eric chocolate chip cookies. I pulled down my little recipe notebook, falling apart at the binding, and slipped on my glasses. There on the first page, in my curlicue adolescent handwriting, was my name, and the notation “BD gift Jan. 2, 1973″. I slowly paged through, seeing each handwritten recipe, the note “from Mom” across the top of most. All my favorites. I was 15 years old that day, and I remember digging out Mom’s recipe cards and copying them all down. I don’t know if my Mom knew it, but I interpreted her gift to me as a sign that she thought I was growing up. Today, I find it poignant to think of all the times I’ve cooked or baked those recipes, how many times I’ve served them to my sons and husband, how many times the boys baked following those same recipes. Smudged and smeared, the pages represent thirty-six years of life gone by. It’s the small things, sometimes that we are not even aware of, that send big messages.

Yesterday, I went in for my biennial echo cardiogram. There is a very slight increase in leakage in my aortic valve. No change in meds, no change in activity. All the usual warnings – watch for infections, particularly strep. Call if you have a sore throat that lasts more than three days. Call in you notice a change in your endurance or stamina. It was 10 years ago when they first found the murmur that lead to the discovery of the defective valve. Those first years, every echo showed a steady progression in leakage. I was told that if it continued at that rate, I could expect a valve replacement at 52. Then, five years ago, it stabilized. And two years ago, I got to start going every other year instead of every year. So yesterday, I will have to admit, I was a little bit bummed to hear there was a slight increase. At the same time, the cardiologist was so encouraging – it’s very slight, I can continue to run as much as I want. By the time I was driving home, I was over it. I reminded myself that it’s to be expected, and that I’m 51 now and that I’m running mass miles instead of having valve replacement surgery. Life is good, very good. And on a funny note, you should have seen the cardiologist’s face during this conversation:

“There is a very slight increase in leakage. Have you noticed any change in your stamina or endurance?”

“Well, I was pretty tired after running 62 miles last weekend.”

Blank stare. “In one day?”

“In 19.5 hours.”

“Oh.”

He broke out in a huge grin, and with all the appropriate cautions told me to keep at it. It’s the small things, sometimes that we are not even aware of, that send big messages.

And today I find myself smiling quietly as I think back. Scenes from a childhood on a tiny farm in a bustling family flit past as I look over the recipes. My son’s face flashes before me as I put the coffee cups away. Races and runs swirl through my mind as I bake. I look around my warm and happy home, I look over at my sweet husband, I read an email from Web, I anticipate an evening with friends. It is the small things, the quick moments, that add together to make a life. I am forever grateful for each moment of mine.

I wrote my race report yesterday, if you haven’t had the chance to read it yet check the previous post. I had to write again because my mind is overflowing, and this is the place for it to spill out.

I’ve been thinking about PacRim all day. It’s hard to describe the impact it has on me. It seems as though running in one mile circles for 19.5 hours would be mind numbing and a simple feat of endurance. It seems that one would tire of the same footsteps over and over, the familiar turn of the path, the sameness of it all. But I don’t. Those feelings never came to me. It’s a beautiful little park, a busy place in a small town, with a variety of people and pets passing through. The circling runners always have something to say as they pass by, the lap counters cheerfully call out my name and number when I go by, the banter never ceases between friends. And of course, that may be the key for me. I was never alone, I always had Jenny by my side, and Abi, Jessica or Margaret. Jamal ran many laps with us, and sometimes Rob and Steve. Other runners fell into pace for a few steps or a whole lap. I think that feeling of community was and is key for me. It’s reaffirming and keeps my faith alive. I mean my faith in humanity – it is a larger feeling than I can describe. It feeds my spirit.

So, first there is that renewal of faith, and then there is that interior struggle to keep going, to push through the difficult moments, the negative thoughts. When the tummy is queasy and the hip hurts, and the blisters are building. When it’s cold and the body is weary. The little deals I make with myself, to finish the lap and then I can walk. I walk a bit and Jenny starts shuffling forward, and like one of Pavlov’s dogs, I start my shuffle too. Or we both walk a little then giggle as we realize we’re hoping the other didn’t notice. Or I insist I need more walking and she falls into step with me, because no matter what, we’re in this together. I play games in my mind…so many laps till a trailer break, where I will flop down on the bed for just a minute or two – when my back is hurting, nothing fixes it like laying flat out. Hoping which ever of our group is taking a potty break will take just a little longer so I can sit, or even occasionally, lay flat on the nearby park bench. I hear the advanced miles of others – 50 miles, 100K, and we seem so far behind. I remind myself that it doesn’t matter, all that matters is my finding my own pace and reaching my own goal. All the little battles overcome to keep moving forward. Small battles, small goals, reached one at a time.

And the physical piece. Little bits of pain here and there. Aching knees. The always present left ITB/hip/knee. The everlasting blisters (though these are getting better). The tired back muscles as the night wears on. Relentless forward motion.

And the joys. Eric arrives with a warm soy chai. His smile feels like home just came to PacRim. Margaret’s hug and encouraging words. Jessica’s cheerful chatter. Incredible runners, runners I so admire, telling me how great I’m doing. Good friends teasing as they go by. New friends sharing stories, making connections. There are elite runners in this race, and they rack up miles beyond belief, at speeds that are amazing. At the same time, it doesn’t matter – in a sense the field is level and we are all fighting the same battle. There may be elite runners, but there is no elitism, there is only a shared bond of endurance and encouragement.

I love the night at PacRim. I love it when darkness creeps over us, and when I think of the race, I think of runners flowing through pools of light, of the quiet town around us. I love the shadows of the shrubbery, the reflections off the lake, the feeling that we runners are the only ones awake in the entire universe. The chatter becomes quieter, everyone turns inward, and the motion continues. The aid station is a warm oasis, waiting for us, glowing across the park. This is the best part of the race. I’m tired beyond belief, everything hurts, and yet, it is my favorite time.

After a day of reflections, I now know that I will do it again. I know that everything that draws me to PacRim outweighs the temporary discomforts of the effort. I find myself wanting to give the entire 24 hours a go. I jotted notes about what worked and what didn’t and what I need to change. They are tucked away waiting for the next time, hopefully to ease a few of the difficulties on race day. It is so much more than a race, so much more than the physical challenge, though of course, that is a huge piece of it. I need to run this again, to fill my heart up again and again. Now I understand the lure of 100 milers. I have no desire to tackle trails at night, run solo in the forest or up a mountain. Nor do I have the speed for those races. This peaceful little race is just right for me. It challenges me, it fills me up and one day later, next year is on my mind.

Jenny and I were successful in our 100K quest. We began the race at 9:00 am and finished at about 4:29 am the next morning. We took a “trailer break” at 50K for about 20 minutes, resting, changing socks and clothing, then another trailer break at 42 miles, another at 52 miles, and the final one at 56 miles. Those were shorter – a quick change to warmer clothes, a minute to sit down, a minute to roll out the muscles with my tiger tail roller and back out. Jessica was true to her word, showing up to run 13 miles with us and then cooking pancakes and grilled cheese during our 50K break. I ate an entire grilled cheese, which was a mistake. I spent the next five miles feeling queasy and thinking many thoughts of putting on warm clothes and walking the rest of the miles. Jenny helped me through that low spot by keeping me moving. I think, in total, throughout the hours, we walked two complete laps – one right after the 50K break, and the final lap. Otherwise, we ran each long stretch, and walked the ends. In the last five miles we added a couple walk breaks to the long stretches too. We had grand plans to hit 100K and then walk a few more laps – that lasted till what we thought was mile 59, but in reality was mile 58. Finding out we had one more mile to go than we thought took some of the wind out of our sails. Those last few miles were of the “put your head down, grit your teeth, and get it done” variety.

There were several things about the race that are remarkable. The first has to be the fabulous camaraderie of all the runners – our entire fun group from Puyallup, Van, Tony, Lisa, Tim, Bret, Gail, Olga, Marilou and all the others out there on the course. Everyone was cheerful, friendly, encouraging and amazing. Steve pulled in 101 miles, Lisa pulled in 113, Tim something like 126. Those are truly amazing distances. Other successes ranged from Abi’s first 50 miler, Bret and Gail’s first 100K, Linda’s 75 miles and Eric’s 50K in the morning, six hour drive and second 50K in the afternoon. Oh, and Jess and Linda B were with him too – I’m not sure what Linda’s final mileage was, but I know Jess ran 49 miles at Pac Rim after the morning 50K. Watching others keep running through the dark, the steady and relentless lapping, the ups and downs, the cheery “good jobs”, the quiet “not doing so good” comments, watching runners dealing with sore muscles, sore feet, disappointments and successes. It was life in a microcosm, and it was amazing. I am so inspired by the human spirit, and mostly, by the sharing and caring nature of other runners. It was epic in a quiet way.

The next is friends like Margaret and Jessica, driving 2.5 hours to support us – running laps, cooking, helping a stiff runner (me) pull on tights over my shoes at 42 miles – because my shoes were the perfect tightness and I didn’t want to ruin that. (Yes, things get that silly on a long run). Coaxing us along, cheering for us, and just plain old giving of themselves. Thanks you two!

The weather was remarkable too – cloudy, with flashes on sun, and dry all day. One downpour during our 50K break, then dry till sometime after I was asleep in the car. (Eric made us a fabulous camp bed in the Element and we slept for an hour or two).

The food planning paid off, sorta. I did lose my appetite, and nothing appealed, but at least I had options. I went through three shirts, two pairs of tights, two pairs of gloves, one skirt, two pairs of socks, the armwarmers, a headband, a hat, a vest, a lightweight shell and a raincoat. Again, nice to have options.

My feet are toast. Red-speckled with a flat rash, lost half of a toenail (of which half was already missing), blistered under the nail, and on the pad of the toe. Two other small blisters. Bruised on top of both feet (swollen feet in shoes that were the perfect tightness), bruised where I injured myself a couple weeks ago (which bothered me in the beginning, but with an adjustment of laces and a smear of arnica cream at every break, didn’t bother me again).

I thought we could match last year’s pace, and crank out those additional 12 miles in three hours. I was way off. I learned that 62 miles is a long way to run, that those additional 12 miles are the hardest 12 miles of my life, and that I’ll probably never want to run 62 miles again. I’m satisfied I’ve done it, I’m proud of myself – I set a challenge and I met it. But, I think marathons and 50Ks are far enough! (At least today,sleep deprived and sore, that’s what I think).

It was hard, it was wonderful, it was my epic adventure. It was so much more than I ever imagined myself doing, and certainly not anything I thought I’d do at the age of 51. I’m happy.

There are two things I know for sure about the 100K+ this weekend:

1. The weather will likely cycle through rain and sun, maybe even sleet & snow, and a bit of wind.
2. I will get tired of eating, and nothing will appeal to me, and if I don’t eat, I will run out of energy.

These two things have sent me into a planning frenzy. Since we’re on a one mile loop, we have the luxury of having spare clothes and food handy. Here’s what I’m thinking:

Clothes. This one’s easy. Basically, all the running clothes I own will go into a bag. Okay, probably not the sleeveless tanks, but skirts x 2, tights x 2, short sleeve x 4, long sleeve x 6, multiple pairs of socks, gators, gloves x 2, arm warmers, vest, lightweight shell and rain coat. Also, caps x 2 and sunglasses. A second set of shoes. And the $1.09 poncho. Plus a set of post-run clothes, and a sleeping pad and sleeping bag, just in case I stop before 9 am.

Food. This one’s harder. Stuff that’s easy on the tummy, not too much fiber or dairy. Salty and sweet. Something that’s light, something that’s filling. Here’s what I’ve got planned:

~Two bagels, pre-toasted, one with butter and honey, one with a slice of cheddar.
~A bag of peanut butter pretzels.
~A bag of honey wholewheat pretzels.
~A couple veggie bacon sandwiches.
~Peanut butter crackers.
~Trail mix.
~Four cans of Doubleshots.
~Hershey’s chocolate Easter eggs.
~Little graham cracker cookies.
~Breakfast cookies.
~Rice Krispy Treats (homemade).
~A couple cans of cane sugar cola.
~Some no-chicken broth

Plus, Jessica is going to make pancakes and grilled cheese sandwiches for us, and there’s a full aid station. And Eric is going to bring me a soy chai when he arrives late that night. And I’m bringing my own water, because I thought the water tasted funny last year and I found it hard to drink.

It’s not about eating everything I listed, but about having choices and hopefully, something that will sound good as the hours add up. And, it’s also not that there is anything lacking in the aid station, it’s just that I’m kind of particular about what I eat when I’m running. You’ll also notice the conspicuous absence of burritos – that just didn’t seem like a good idea on a run as long as this one.

Tomorrow I’ll pack all this up, plus eat a lot and drink a lot. Saturday morning I’ll hit the road to Kelso bright and early with my running buddies . At 9 am we’ll start and I’ll go till I can’t go anymore!

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Injury: Feeling good! A week of rest seemed to take care of my ankle. It hurts a little when I start out, but once it’s warmed up, I don’t feel it at all. I had to mess around with the laces a bit to find a way to lace that didn’t go over the sore spot, and I’ll keep that up till PacRim is done. I logged 30 miles this week, no problem.

Spring break: Riley’s home! Yay! His Friday the 13th was not without a couple doses of bad luck. He left the campus much later than he wanted, locked his keys in the car at one stop, and burned out his clutch on the way up the pass. He called us at 10:30 pm, sitting on the side of the freeway near the top of the pass. By the time Eric got there (about an hour or so away) the tow truck was taking them to the nearest town. Eventually, Eric got the boys and their gear loaded into our car and headed home, where they arrived around 1:30 am. Riley’s roommate’s friend picked him up around 2 am, and we finally all got to sleep. Heaven forbid we miss a run – we were up a short four hours later to head to the Saturday morning run. It was worth it! So, here we are. The value of a new clutch is about equal to the value of the car. We’re looking at all our options…

Countdown to PacRim! Minimum goal is 100K, and if I’m feeling good, to keep moving as long as I can. It’ll be an adventure for sure! Jenny and I are planning to run together, and it sounds like Abi will join us. We’ve got lots of Y Runners participating this year. Steve is bringing his trailer to use as a rest/changing station, which is a huge luxury. Eric and a few others will join in after running the Chuckanut 50K (up the mountain and down, then a 3.5 hour drive to PacRim, where another 50K is the goal). It’s gonna be a great weekend!

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It’s small, and I’m sure it will pass soon, but it’s keeping me off the streets this week and that is bumming me out. Plus, I’m generally stressed with the program closure and all, I’m eating too much, which would be okay if I was running, but I’m not, so now to top it off I feel fat and out of control.

That was it, that was my whine. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming…

I wanted to hit 62 miles last week – the length of the 100K. I wanted to do it because the mysterious “they” say that if you can do it in a week, you can do it in a day. Since doing it in a day is exactly my intent, this made sense to me. I did the 50k on Sunday, so in the normal course of things, this should have been easily achievable: rest Monday, five on Tuesday, five on Wednesday, five Thursday morning and five that night, 11 on Saturday. It didn’t quite work out like I planned. Tired legs Tuesday produced four miles. Wednesday was the five that was planned, but Thursday morning brought light snow and icy streets. I made that up by running to the track early on Thursday night, then running laps for a while before we ran to the park. Got ten in. Now I needed 12 on Saturday. I planned to run one mile loops at Bradley Lake – getting in the groove for Pac Rim in a few weeks.

Less than a half mile into my run towards the lake, I felt a strange cramping just above my foot – below the shin, above and between the ankle bones. It felt like it was cramping in an upside down horseshoe shape. Strange. Maybe my shoe was too tight. I loosened it and went on. The cramping continued off and on. Cramp, run a few steps, clear, and repeat. I fiddled with my shoe a couple times, but pushed on. (Silly me.) I recognized that this wasn’t a normal muscle cramp type feeling, but since it was coming and going, I just kept running. Once I made it to coffee, I realized it hurt as I was sitting there. When we left and walked a half a block to another store, I found myself limping. Once we got home and I took my shoe off, the pain was gone. However, there was now a big, dark red bruise covering the area and it was beginning to swell. Ice, rest, ibuprofin. Skip the Sunday run. Finally decide I’m resting it till Saturday. It’s better, still slightly sore, still slightly swollen, but the bruise is mostly gone.

I, of course, looked it up on the internet. I found this picture, and I believe I did something to the superior extensor retinaculum. (Whatever that is). Notice how it almost forms an arch – exactly where I felt the cramp? The thing that bugs me is that I don’t know what I did – I know that I didn’t bang it against anything, I know that I didn’t stumble, or twist it. Repetitive stress injury? Could be. Funny that I ran a triple and a double and didn’t have problems though. I just hope it heals well enough to let me get through 100K in 18 days!

Lasik update: Still great! Several people have asked about night vision. I have never had great night vision, but I haven’t noticed any changes. There are halos around the lights, but I’m told that fades with time, and honestly, I don’t even notice them. It’s all good!

Program update: The big parent meeting is tomorrow night, I’ll be glad when that is over. I’ve heard of two other colleges in the state that are closing their parent ed programs too, and many others are on the table. I have my resume together and sent one out this week to a specific posting. I don’t remember if I mentioned it before, but I do have a back up plan. I can teach ECE on the other campus next fall, but it would be about half-time. I’m looking around for a while before I make that committment.

That’s the state of things here in our fair village. Hope things are going well in yours!